i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
