I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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