fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize