I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
