I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
