Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
