Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
