please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
