some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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