PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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