I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
