My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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