Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
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my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
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Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
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