Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My dick has a subreddit
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
