So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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