I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i can't believe i had my finger in that
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
