dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
