i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
