After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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