just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
