Michael Bay diarrhea
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
