just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
