My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
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Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
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1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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