im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16