I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
pop tarts are not kleenex
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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