he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
i've created a new STD.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
