I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
