I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
