i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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