My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
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