Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
