I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?