she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Alive.
So much puke
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
