Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Who died my cat blue again?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
