i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
