did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
