i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
