Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You may now shotgun with the bride
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
