i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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