this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
NoShamevember. You game?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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