can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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