I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
