at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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