So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
