I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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