I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
