I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
