I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize