We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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