I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
