census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
