You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
